I was sick again, thanks to a cold I got from the my son's birthday party… I wasn't sure I would go, but I decided that staying caged in the house was not a pleasant prospect. Alhamdulillah, I missed the sermon this Friday. Yes, its gotten to that point where I learn so little that missing it listening to it is the same. I've pondered a number of verses (ayaat) and sayings (Hadith, for the those challenged in English-Islamic terminology). They talk about black spots on the heart and other such deficiencies. For many years, I told myself I just needed to increase my faith (iman) more and more. But, it didn't help. Instead, the more I read, the more I consulted preachers (imams) the more I came to see how wrong I might be in seeing it as only a deficiency within myself. In fact, so much of what we do conforms so little to the character of the Prophet that I've often considered divorce. Say what? No, not from my wife! I'd keep her around anyday over any and all Muslims alive today. I mean divorce from the community. But, what form would that take?

Well, that was the topic of the after-Friday prayer cafe time I habitually have with two convert professors and a cool Moroccan PhD student. One of the convert Professors had jsut returned from a summer in Turkey. I'm glad he's back because he had some good things to tell me about my flirtation with divorce from the community. Its gotten to the point where I've even contemplated leaving Near Eastern Studies for a MS in Computer Science. It was more acute this week since I got contract work originating from yet another Italian-American convert veteran to build  web application software. I was able (before sneazing my guts out) to sit for hours and hours programming, designing, debugging and then looking with satisfaction at a finished creation of my own. Programming doesn't depress me as does the pervading negativity inherent in the study of a turbulent region. I tried focusing only on the art and archictecture and trying to filter in only positive aspects and nicities, but there are forces pulling me always towards engaging my Muslim side.

The one convert professor related to me how he sees many students in his field of anthropology who want to save the world and then get obsessed with it and self-righteous towards those who don't sign on. I don't want to be one of those kinds of people. I told him how I already went through my self-righteous Salafi phase and got the save-the-world mentality beat out of me in Bosnia. But, I'm being pulled with great force in two opposing directions: disengagement from the community versus engagement towards attitude reform. Both carry risks and negative consequences and niether carry the prospect of great rewards or even appreciation. Perhaps such a realization explains why plenty of people come for Friday Prayer but not for much else.

For example, disengagement will corrode my soul. I know, because I tried it in Hawaii and felt isolated; I like being around the community. Being Muslim is a major aspect of my identity and something that's best enjoyed in the company of others. Yet, there is this element of compulsion these days to sign onto support for ideologies and aspirations I just can't call my own. My calls for redirecting our aspirations, as you who are reading this well know, are not always well recieved and when they are, seem to not motivate towards actionable change. Perhaps we will jsut have to wait until the next 9/11, when internment camps for immigrant Muslims are set up, and when Muslim immigration is halted for me to say, "I told you so, byotch!"