So, my husband has turned out to be an abusive, manipulative, unfaithful bastard. He's divorcing me, something that I am both grateful for and deeply saddened by. The brilliant dream I had of a God-conscious, loving family has shattered around me, and I contemplate a future of bearing and raising a child alone, a child who will grow up with half a heritage without a father.
Lord knows I wasn't the perfect wife. I could be quite the harridan at times. That said, I did everything I could to edify and preserve my marriage, even while my soon to be former spouse steadily demolished it. He does deserve credit, however, for the originality of his ideas: not content to merely be controlling, abusive, and fool around with heterosexual women on a social basis, pretending to be a lesbian and selling sex online does smack of imagination, if not morality. I wonder what the guys at the mosque that so admire him would think if they knew.
Even with all this, there is the wound of love lost. If he were to be restored to me as the man I believed him to be, I'd find it hard to turn away. Perhaps the man I envision is out there, waiting for a feisty woman with a child on the way. If he is, could you hurry up, please? I'd like some time to get to know you and your family before I say the word that came too quickly to my lips.
There's a kid who will need, well, everything in the coming months and years. My little gymnast will have much of what I'd hoped to provide, insha'Allah. A caring, committed family, the best of whatever I can get my hands on, and a mother who will fight tooth and nail to see her child succeed and be happy. Perhaps my dreams of a God-conscious, loving family can come true, although slightly amended: two rather than three, with my child reflecting all the love s/he will receive. Insha'Allah, that will be enough for my child to shine.
Moving on- over broken glass.
By Fashion Mujahid - Posted on October 13th, 2008
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As my friend experienced, surprises come in all shapes and sizes and forms. Her love took her to the bank and bought stores, and supported education she herself did not have. Only to have him disappear everynight, and to have odd phone calls from women, and the final blow...I don[t love you anymore. Join the ranks. She, religious, sweet, and yes fiesty. Him religious? Yes! Well, better for her that he is gone rather than the roller coaster of borderline personality; I love you today, I don't love you, now I love you again.
There is hope, she, against most odds is already with a lovely loving man who already gives her what she didn't get from the other guy. I tell every woman who will listen, "LOve is a verb. If he is not "doing" he is not "loving" the doing is those things that are proof of love. Nothing mere words can compare to. Many single mothers who have raised sterling children are your heroes. Even if the Prince doesn't come, you can still be the Princess.
I don't care if people think I am insane these bastards need to be hung.
People around this world keep screwing it up, a man mistreating a woman in such a horrible way does nothing better than to be castrated and killed.
I am no feminist, I take the verses of the Quran seriously that state a woman's testimony is half a mans, however regardless of whether or not a woman should be made to feel the same as a man, she should not be lied to.
With that said the cycle of abuse seems to be men abusing women and children and women abusing children.
I hope that the women in these stories make the right choice and focus primarily on raising their children. Unfortunately many women take more concern in developing relationships.
Why should a woman become less than a woman because she is a mother? Naturally, her responsibilities as a parent take precedence, but there's no need for a woman to unsex herself upon giving birth, any more than she should abandon a career, education, or even hobbies. A child needs a whole human being as an example to follow.
No sane man would marry a divorced woman unless he himself is divorced.
I have talked with Non Muslims Americans and they agree, men who date women with children often are doing so for shady reasons.
A man or woman must be vigilant when inviting a stranger into their life when they have a child, unfortunately evil is all around us and bad people are all to eager to prey on unsuspecting people.
You should not unsex yourself, it is perfectly natural for a woman or a man to desire remarriage, however it can't be said enough that EVIL people may be trying to take advantage of your children.
I suggest extreme caution be taken when acquiring a new spouse, that a relationship be formed with another divorcee or widower over a lengthy period of time and nothing is rushed.
I do not mean to sound condescending but unfortunately these things can't be said enough.
Also why would you mention abandonment of a career, education, or hobbies?
A woman needs to be educated to educate her children, a mother is a child's most important teacher. A woman should pursue a career, although I have entirely different views on what a career is.
People who think their work makes them whole are sad people. Work does give a person a sense of satisfaction, however work should be a means to an end not an end in itself. Especially for all of those people in B.S. jobs like sales, LOL how can overselling people ever make you feel accomplished.
Hobbies? LOL well I am of the belief that family should really be a persons primary hobby, hanging with the guys or gals doesn't really seem to make sense when you are married. Spending time with couples, your family, your children, or your spouse does make sense. But seriously it is childish to do otherwise I think.
But a child needs 100% attention, and looking for relationships can take away from that, it is really sad when these things happen. Men like your ex husband need to be castrated and tarred and feathered, he has made two other lives more difficult than they should be.
I pray that you find a decent person and are able to care for your child. Insallah things will be better for you one day, hopefully not tomorrow though LOL, because if everything feels Whimsical tomorrow I can almost guarantee they won't be Whimsical later down the line.
Women raising children alone is never a good thing. Children suffer financially, and women suffer from loneliness. A child cannot give a woman friendship and companionship. I think a womans focus should be on her child, and herself second and the community should look out for them both. We no longer have villages (good and bad) bad because the village mentality sucks and good because they would find you a husband if you wanted one or not. Women should not DATE with small children, never.
But if she wants to marry and she knows the man is a good man, and is not one given to doing abusive things than that is allowed. Sexuality doesn't enter the equation of a single mom, if she is attending to her and the childs needs she won't have time for those thoughts. But yes she should be remarried if she wants it, or be celibate.
Lailah, I don't know how many single mothers you know, but the ones I know have full lives, and not all are in dire straits financially. They are very busy ones, but perhaps you've gotten too wrapped up in the Madonna/whore dichotomy to realize that women can be women and mothers as well. Yes mothers, married and single, find little time for romance, and can often feel like a maid/feedbag combo. But that's not the way it's supposed to be, and it doesn't help a child to see his or her mother reduced to automaton. If a single mother would like to be married, not just to "give the child a father", she should find someone who's good for her and her child. But if she's got the support she needs, and enjoys being single, there's no need for her to be tied to any man for a meal ticket.
I know many single moms, my mom was one. However my point was little ones need their mother for food, and solace. When women date they loose perspective. Statistics will support me in that, What I said poverty and single motherhood go hand in hand , if a mom starts out with some padding good, but this is usually not the case. I merely pointed out that its better to marry because that way both mom and babe get something from the act.
A companion and help mate for mom and a father and provider for baby. Since dating at this time is ill advised, I suggest get married. Those are my views. I understand though were yu are coming from.
Marriage is only as good for the kid as the marriage itself and the couple is. Latching onto a stranger for the sake of having a Y chromosome around the house is a recipe for trouble. And if all you got from your mom was food and solace, I'd start worrying. My mom showed me that life doesn't end for a woman when she pushes another life out of her.
I am sorry but you sound selfish Fashion Mujahid.
A woman, or man, can not balance a love life and a child.
A child is a full time and a half responsibility. Given that a person needs to sleep between 5-8 hours a day and they need to work for 8-12 hours a day, a child has anywhere between 9-2 hours given that a person needs travel time and preparation.
If Allah has blessed you and you are one of those people who can make by with 6 to 9 hours of "free" time in a day, than maybe you could accommodate entertaining a relationship.
However statistically speaking few single moms are afforded that much time and your child is not something you brush aside and bring out when you feel like it, a parent needs to be on call 24/7 and needs to devote several hours every day specifically to their child.
We all live in America, we have met single moms from every kind of background, the literal Crack Whores, and the "Self" made (I have yet to encounter a successful single mom who didn't have at least their parents to fall back on for a few years) single mom.
Nobody should think that it is wise for any man to be brought into a child's life just because he is a man, however it is always preferable for a child to be brought up with both a mother and a father, it is preferable that both parents devote themselves 100% to the success of their child.
I speak from the experience of raising two alone though I had a husband. I hear you, but you are not hearing me. No, life didn't "end" but life changes. It has to. So you think it will be the same when you have a child outside of you? Unrealistic. Life changes alot, and you will too.
I will keep you and the baby in my dua.
Well I have decided to make an account, two of my comments have yet to be posted, and I may be wrong but I think one of my comments on this blog has been deleted.
Lailah makes a lot of sense.
Parenthood entails an entirely different lifestyle. Fashion Mujahid seems to disdain devotion to the well being of one's child, seeming to suggest that the 24/7 on call lifestyle a parent is somehow an "end" to life.
Devotion and commitment are being undervalued in today's society, it is unfortunate.
Lailah, it's clear that you aren't hearing me. What I said is not that life doesn't change, but that life doesn't end. One does not cease to have desires, thoughts completely unrelated to childrearing, aspirations that have nothing to do with preschool, appetites for something other that the diet laid out in "What will fit into your tiny lady brain when you're expecting". If motherhood reduced you to a maid/feedbag, I feel for you. But my kid deserves more than that. And Tariq, you're talking out of your neck; buzz off.
Fashion Mujahid,
People like you make me sick. Man or Woman, it is their duty to provide for their children.
I am be mistaken but I think that you are an African American, it is views like yours that contribute to Black America being in the gutter. Your childishness has been exposed. Almost immediately after you have ended a relationship you seek out another one to latch onto.
LOL @ you feeling for Lailah, I don't think she would want the pity of some ignorant child.
I think that perhaps FM is going through emotional stuff and can't be rational right now.
That's okay. But reality is that having a child changes one's lifestyle tremendously. You can't be what you where or do what you did without affecting another helpless human being. You do sound amazingly immature about all this. But FM, its not my place to talk you into anything, but rather to guide you for the sake of your unborn child. I pray that the babies grandmothers are involved and if you cannot be a good mom, than they can help you learn. I understand your thoughts and feelings and had them myself off and on during my childrens very young years. Now? Of course not. I grew up
And I pray that your children have better role models than you. Now run along, don't you have something to clean?
I HATE SPAM, SOMEONE DELETE THAT!
Deleted. Sorry guys, I try and stay on top of this. I'm giving FM some more privileges so she can delete this stuff too...