thoughts of change and islam

I feel a sense of frustration and like a failure because everything that has happened over the course of my marriage. (I start to cry as I right this) I feel like a batter in World Series that has struck-out for the final time with two teammate on base and two outs. I went into marriage ill prepared for the true difficulties that arises and how to handle them. In my marriage their were so many demons that rose from two broken childhoods; my wife and I battled the buried ghost of abused and neglected children which took their adult form in us. I suppose I didn’t truly have a great example in my own father who many years was a great dad then who turned into a drug user and deadbeat in time I became him in my own way. Thou I did gain a great father figure in the form of an uncle who I love and call “pops”, he’s the father I hope to be! I could just copout and blame a broken childhood for everything but I am a big believer in personal responsibility for ones actions. I fucked up by filing for divorce (my deepest regret) and not honestly tackling the issues that separated us so much. But I felt in order to that I needed to be free to deal with my own demons. I had a grand plan simple fix me then fix my marriage.
So many people even in my own family praise the divorce (which causes me to mourn) and encourage me to celebrate. I’ve become so comfortable with counseling I went to a grieve counselor for help and have been spilling my guts for the pasted three months about broken dreams and things
As a man I was raised thinking man don’t cry or show emotion. The words “pussy/fag” was the names culture taught me I’d be if I sought help. I spend the better part of the last two years battling to gain control of my anger and emotions. I have gained what I feel are enough tools, knowledge, and self esteem about myself to be a good partner to my ex-wife and father to a infant son. The grand plan failed because she fail out of love with me and now no longer speak with me.
With some hard encouragement and in a real effort to move on I went out for coffee with a good friend who had a major crush on me(a mistake) I spend the entire time speaking about my ex and showing videos of my son!
In all this I rediscovered the joy and healing of praying to God for help. I am like a praying fool which ergs my boss but makes me smile.
I decided to move forward and buy a house in the hope she’ll see I was serious about family and settling down to work through the problems which I couldn’t before. Along the way I continue to battle self doubt /realization that I’ll never be the great husband or father they deserve and I think to myself, would it better to just get out their life. And let her find someone who’d love her more than I could ever hope and raise him to a good Muslim but then I remember a promise I made 16 years ago that I’d never be a coward like my own father, I’d never give up on trying to be better and grown into my greater self a man my Son would like to be! So I resolved to be a freaken descent guy and muslim who pushes himself to be better.

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