Muslims really should not criticize Bush for rushing into something that he was not fully prepared to handle. Not unlike the quagmire in Iraq, many Muslims root for rushing into a situation with rosy, unrealistic hopes, and no firm plans for dealing for the aftermath. We’ve chosen a somewhat tidier drama to cause- that, however, is no excuse for urging young people into marriages often involving at least two strangers- their intended spouse, and their own selves. Marriage is an adult commitment- why do we allow ourselves to enter it as innocents?
This is not a diatribe against arranged marriages- assuming that all parties consent, it is no more problematic than any other form of marriage. I have known happy couples that knew very little about one another before marriage. Couples that have had more contact before marriage may have a one-up on them, but arranged marriages involve both families, which can help keep couples together. The power of in-laws does cut both ways, and they can work to dismantle a marriage that they do not feel invested in.
This is also not a call to “allow” Muslims to date. First, many Muslims date anyway. Second, dating is not generally aimed at tackling core issues and one’s own baggage- people tend to date those that they are physically attracted to, and hide the messy and unpleasant stuff for a while. If you are aiming for something more substantial than a dancing partner, you will need to eye two people a bit more carefully- your intended, and most importantly, yourself. But very little of this gets discussed when the aunties are extolling the virtues of Ahmed So-and-So.
To be fair we have made efforts to keep marriages together, as a community. Weekend retreats, conferences and the like are sometimes available. Muslim marriage counselors, however, or efforts to keep non-Muslim marriage counselors aware of unique issues are not as common as they should be. These strategies are to be commended, and are an improvement over the bad old days. However, there is a difference between helping when a problem arises, and avoiding the behaviors that create problems in the first place. The problems that come from fostering the “Happily Ever After” myth will only come when Muslims can discuss marriage honestly and openly- like adults.
I had a chat with a younger friend of mine. She is considering marriage, and I could see the stars in her eyes from the other side of the country. I gave her a bit of the talk I wish I had heard: get to know yourself first, be very honest with yourself and your intended; there is a difference between optimism and naïveté- know it when it comes. It was a cold splash of reality for her, to be sure. Better now than much too late.
Gustavo sometimes complains about excessively rushed marriages when the parties are too vulnerable to assess things clearly. He is right, but it took my own marriage to show me the solution: we need to promote honest self-reflection and clarity about what we need as individuals in a mate. I have known men and women who paid the price for not pausing to think or question deeply, whether themselves, or their intended. If spouses are garments, how can one select a suitable garment without knowing your own or the garment’s size?
What would I wish for her? That she comes to know and love herself. I wish her the confidence to be true to her faith and herself, and the knowledge that neither has come to undermine the other. I wish that she would meet someone wonderful with those same assets, and that they are able to build a strong, joyful bond. So I would wish for all of my sisters and brothers, but until we begin the necessary hard work, the joy in our marriages will fade almost as quickly as the henna on brides’ hands.
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